Is it a mistake to go to couples therapy?

It can feel like a big step to start couples therapy. Even when both partners are acutely aware that the relationship is in trouble, the thought of inviting a stranger into such an intimate couple space can understandably stir up a great deal of anxiety.
Alongside hope for positive change, each partner is likely to have their own worries and concerns. They may find themselves wondering:

• Will the therapist judge me or our relationship?
• Will the therapist take my partner’s side?
• Could therapy make things worse and even spell the end of the relationship?

It takes a great deal of courage to begin couples therapy, and having these kinds of worries is completely normal. Below are some important things to bear in mind, which may help ease some of these concerns.

Judgement in the therapy room

One of the aims of couples therapy is to create enough space to think - including about judgement, rather than trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. When people feel judged, or find themselves judging their partner, they naturally try to protect themselves. This can happen through withdrawal, shutting down, dissociation, or counter-attack. While understandable, these responses tend to lock couples more deeply into conflict and leave them feeling increasingly alienated from one another.

An atmosphere dominated by judgement can also make it harder to understand what is actually happening between a couple. Instead, both partners often end up feeling exhausted, hurt, and disappointed. The therapist’s role is to help the couple begin to give meaning to these moments, rather than getting caught in them.

For example, if one partner is critical of the other during a session, the therapist might gently explore what prompted them to speak in that way at that particular moment. In many cases, criticism is less about attacking a partner and more about creating emotional distance when someone feels overwhelmed or threatened. The therapist may also explore how that criticism was experienced by the other partner, and how it shaped their response. Over time, this process helps couples develop a deeper understanding of what is actually happening between them and the part each person plays in the dynamic.

Will the therapist be on my side?

Many people coming to couples therapy are concerned that the therapist will take their partner’s side rather than their own. It can be hard to imagine that a therapist might genuinely be able to hold both perspectives in mind at the same time. After all, by this point, many couples feel certain that they are right and their partner is wrong.
Often, each person has a very clear account of what the problem is, how it started, and why their partner is responsible. People tend to become experts in how the other person makes them feel, while having far less awareness of how they themselves may be experienced.

It is quite common for one or both partners to hope, consciously or unconsciously, that the therapist will act as a kind of referee - calling out bad behaviour and confirming what they already know to be true. Those entering couples therapy with this expectation are usually disappointed.

In psychodynamic couples therapy, the therapist’s role is not to decide who is right and who is wrong. Every relationship is different, and couples have the right to want different things from their relationship. Rather than focusing on the individuals in isolation, the therapist focuses on the relationship between them - on what the couple are creating together, often without realising it, and why.

By avoiding being pulled to one side or the other, the therapist can help the couple begin to think together about their relationship as something separate from either individual. In this way, sessions can become a holding space where couples gradually move away from blame and towards greater awareness of their own contribution to the dynamic they are caught in.

Could couples therapy make things worse?

It is important to acknowledge just how difficult couples therapy can feel, particularly at the beginning. While every couple is different, it is extremely common for things to feel more intense before they begin to feel better. This is often because thoughts and feelings are being spoken about that have long been avoided, or have previously felt too risky or inflammatory to explore.

Sometimes these areas are discussed openly for the very first time and can feel raw and frightening. After all, there is usually a reason these topics have been avoided for so long. For some couples, however, the presence of a therapist and the regularity of sessions provide enough safety to face what has previously felt unbearable. In many cases people discover that the pain of avoiding what is happening in the relationship has been far greater than the pain of beginning to address it.

In other cases, therapy brings clarity about how one or both partners feel and what they want going forward. While this can be painful, that clarity can also be extremely important. No one can know in advance what will happen in couples therapy - not even the therapist. What is important to remember is that therapy does not create new problems, but offers a regular and secure space to think about problems that already exist.

Ultimately, couples therapy is in the service of helping people move forward in a meaningful way whether that is together or apart.